Hey oh ay oh Hey oh hey oh.....

[Hoffman Grink]

Not many people know but General Custer was led into the battle of the Greasy Grass (Known to us as The Long Horn for some strange reason) by an inept scout who originated from the fair City of Newcastle.

They were riding along and the incessant pounding coming from the hils was driving the men mad and making them uneasy.....

Custer called his scout and asked - "Geordie my good fellow...... are they War Drums?"

"Why noah" replied the beaming scout - "Ah think thu belong' thu Injums like..........."


Wha Wha WhaAaAAaaAaaaaaaaa........

[Reinhard]

oh dear.....
time for your medication i think herr dollman

[emma.b]

NURSE!!!!!

[DerSpiess]

I went to the zoo the other day
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.They only had a dog!
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It was a Shidzu

[DerSpiess]

Paddy is walking around Boots (He isnt Irish, he just happens to have an Irish name and talks with an Irish accent, if he was Irish then this joke could be considered racist...which of course it isnt).

Anyway, Paddy is walking around Boots, and he stops an assistant to get some help.
"Scuse me Miss, can you tell me what dis is pleez?"
"Certainly sir, its a thermos flask"
"A termos flask ?...wots one of dem then ?"
"Well sir, you put warm food in it and it keeps it warm, and cold food in it and it keeps it cold"
"Bee-jeezuz, thats bloomin clever, i'll take of of dem then"

Next day, Paddy is at work when his mate Murphy comes up to him:
"Hey Paddy, wot you got der ?"
"Dis here is a termos flask"
"A termos flask?, whats one of dem then ?"
"Well Murphy, you put warm food in it and it keeps it warm, and cold food in it and it keeps it cold"
"Bee-jeezuz, thats bloomin clever...what you got in it ?
"Two cups of tea and a choc-ice"


C'mon, how many of you read that with an Irish accent, and I'm not talking about you W@ffen

[DerSpiess]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
Helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered,

"The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
asked,

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

OK, that's enough for this morning, must get to work

[Feldjager]

Went to an art auction yesterdy and bought a paintin entitled 'Orgasn'.

Got it home and found out its a fake.

[Feldjager]

Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Volkswagen?
A: Twon in the front, 2 in the back.

Q: How do you know that an elephant has been in the refrigerator?
A: There are footprints in the butter dish.

Q: How do you know that two elephants have been in the refrigerator?
A: There are two sets of footprints in the butter dish.

Q: How do you know that a herd of elephants has been in the refrigerator?
A: There is a Volkswagen parked in front of your house and there are lots of footprints in the butter dish.

More as and when my manager and I can remember them!

[emma.b]

New Zen Rules

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just **** off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Gaffer tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our arse...then things get worse

[DerSpiess]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Amen to that one

[Reinhard]

2 prostitutes talking in a bar and one says to the other
"in all your time as a working girl have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"no"
replies the other
"but i've been swung around by my tits!"

[emma.b]

thought you may like that one Pete..it could of been written for you!

[DerSpiess]

and to prove it's true, here's me going on another drinking expedition

[Hoffman Grink]

He's lying - He goes out into the Channel on undercover raids against US troops practising for Invasions

LOOK!